none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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