i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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