Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
