I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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