I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
