Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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