So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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