How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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