ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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