Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
