i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize