I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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