I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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