I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
