My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
