He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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