im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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