She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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