if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
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