Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize