I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You're like the curious george of whores
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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