but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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