i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
