Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
