I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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