I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Too much gin, very little bucket
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
