He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
