please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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