I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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