me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
