I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
