I'm gonna have a badass scar
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Is it penis luge time yet?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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