he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
my nose is crying tears of wow.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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