I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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