Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
