Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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