she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
