You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
