Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
