Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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