Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Still dying that you shit outside
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
