I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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