Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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