dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
a search helicopter?!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
