I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
