just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
