So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
