seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
