I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize