not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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