The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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