I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
