At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize