The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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