im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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