First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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