I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
