i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
so much tequila, so little girl.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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