I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
