im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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