She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
