After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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