he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He passed out mid-signature
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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