You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize