I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
