She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
