There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
