mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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