Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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