How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
