ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
